19%

We were finally able to talk with the kidney specialist this afternoon.  Thankfully, we were able to see the same one who took such good care of Jason last time.  She wants to run further tests to try and determine the cause of his abnormal lab results.

Jason will have a kidney ultrasound next Thursday morning.  She wants to look at the size of his kidneys, as well as the blood flow into them to rule out any blockages.  We will also do more bloodwork next week, checking his phosphorus level and thyroid.  She told us that thyroid problems could reduce blood flowing to his kidneys.  We will also take in a urine sample when the lab opens after the holiday. This sample would show any signs of infection, and if proteins are leaking into his urine, which would be further indication of kidney disease.  She is unable to see any glaring reasons for his kidney failure.  His diabetes and blood pressure have been well-controlled since coming home from the hospital.

We were told that Jason currently has 19% kidney function.  She said she normally refers patients for a kidney transplant when they fall below 20%.  If these tests don't show a treatable or reversible reason for his poor kidney function, this will be the next step. She has already started the process, and asked if we have a preference of facilities in Kansas City.  The waiting list for a donor is 2-3 years (although I would be tested as a match), so he would be on dialysis during that time.   He would begin dialysis when his function reaches 10%.  She gave us information  about doing dialysis at home this time. 

We are incredibly grateful for the texts, calls, messages and countless prayers over the past few days.  We would ask that you continue praying as we wait for more answers. 

"No longer forward nor behind

I look in hope or fear;

But, grateful, take the good I find,

The best of now and here."

~John Greenleaf Whittier

Need

We are in need of your prayers.  When Jason went in for his check up recently, some of his lab results were abnormal.  We went today so they could do follow-up bloodwork.  His doctor called me this afternoon to say that Jason's kidneys are shutting down again.  He said we need to see a specialist sooner rather than later.  The earliest he could get us in was July 3rd.  Please pray as we face this...he's already been through so much.

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains-where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."  (Psalm 121:1-2)

Abundant Joy

God continues to abundantly provide for the needs of our family through the kindness of others.  This past week, we received an extremely touching gift from a dear friend at church.  She has consistently been an encouragement to us over the past several years.  We are so grateful for her unwavering support.

On Friday, my sister gave me an envelope with strict instructions not to open it until Easter.  She seemed to be implying I lack self control in such matters, ha.  Luckily, I'm a chronic night owl, so ripped it open at 12:01am.  Inside I found an Easter card where someone had written, "You are a blessing to so many people, may those blessings be returned to you ten-fold."  The envelope also contained a generous gift to our family.  Although I have repeatedly harassed my sister, she refuses to disclose the origin of this blessing.  Anonymous gifts are difficult for me since I'm unable to squeeze the amazing people who send them (hmm, maybe that's why they wish to remain anonymous?).  Our family is exceedingly grateful to you, whoever you are.

Through many frustrating phone calls and mountains of paperwork, I believe we have taken the necessary steps to resolve our issues with Jason's benefits/insurance.  For some reason, this review process has been incredibly difficult every year.  This year was especially stressful since it had such a negative impact on our monthly budget.  I can only pray that it will be easier in the future, and that I don't allow myself to give over to worry before knowing the final outcome.

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow, it empties today of its strength.” 

― Corrie ten Boom

Joy Comes In The...Afternoon!

This afternoon the mailman delivered joy to my door...in the form of a package from Aunt Kathy.  I was thrilled to discover she had painted something especially for me.  She and I have both been encouraged by this quote that I mentioned in a previous blog.  My aunt is a wonderful artist who has brought precious memories of my grandparents to life on canvas.  I was so touched that she not only sent it to me, but that she had created it herself. 

"Scatter joy!"  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Time After Time

My definition of love has changed over time.  I remember the first time Jason told me he loved me.  We were in the middle of a marathon overnight phone call, acting like teenagers even though we were well past those years.  The days that followed were filled with excitement and carefree joy.  When he brought a gumball machine ring to my apartment and knelt in front of me, I understood the meaning of a deep lasting love.  As he held up our baby boy for the first time so I could count his fingers and toes, my heart was filled with a hope for our future.  Whenever we faced struggles in our lives, Jason's love was protective and unfailing.  While he lay in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes and machines, I was overcome with a desperate love at the thought of spending the rest of my days without him.  Today when I looked over at his face, I realized he is the culmination of every love I have experienced.  When the fireworks and drama fade away, there is a quiet contentment that moves in and fills the space.

"But love, I've come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime.  Love is sustained by action,  a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." 
 -Nicholas Sparks

Joy Comes In The Morning

I heard this song tonight while cleaning our church building.  I used to listen to it over and over while driving back and forth to the hospital.  Twice a day during shift change in the ICU, we weren't allowed back in Jason's room.  In the mornings, I would often take this time to race home and shower before quickly heading back so I could be first in line when they opened the doors.  I felt something akin to a panic attack each time I left him even for this short period of time.  I would walk out of the hospital while the sun was beginning to rise, and marvel that life outside those four walls seemed to be business as usual.  I felt overwhelmed wondering what the future held for our family.  As the first notes of this song began to play, I would feel a calmness come over me.  While I navigated the streets home, I quietly handed my turmoil and doubts over to God.
"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."  (Psalm 30:5)

Untie The Ribbons

Toward the end of November, my brother sent me a picture in an email.  He'd been walking through a German market on the streets of Chicago, and spied a cuckoo clock display.  I replied to his message by telling him the picture made me very sad.  I also jokingly asked him to please get me one after seeing the hefty price tags.  He answered, "You are the only person I know who'd actually want something that would make you sad."  I still haven't quite decided if he was implying I'm much too sentimental...or simply odd.
Even my earliest memories of my grandparents' house include their cuckoo clock.  I never outgrew the wonderment of waiting for the door to open so the cuckoo could emerge to sing its song.  Bedtime at their house always filled me with a sense of peace and contentment.  As the house grew quiet, Grandma would sit at the kitchen table to record the day's events in her diary.  Each night, she faithfully wound the cuckoo clock.  I can still close my eyes and picture her standing in her robe as she pulled on the chains.  The sheets and blankets at their house had a unique wonderful scent.  I would crawl into bed secure in the promise of happy dreams.
Our family celebrated Christmas in Houston this year.  I ended up staying home with Jason, and sending Eli with my sister's family.  After their return, my sister presented me with a wrapped box from my brother.  When I tore off the paper and lifted the lid, I was truly stunned to see a beautiful cuckoo clock of my very own.  (Ok, yes I cried)

"Each day comes bearing its own gifts.  Untie the ribbons."  ~Ruth Ann Schabacker