Not Destroyed

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."  (2 Corinthians 4:8-9)

This evening I told my sister this verse aptly describes my feelings while trying to manage Jason's disability benefits and insurance.  It seems that each time I feel as though we can breathe easier, another glitch comes along to steal my tranquility.  I found out today that our monthly benefit will be reduced in April due to unforeseen circumstances within the system.  While this came as a complete shock to me, God was already quietly working behind the scenes.  This past Sunday, our family received an anonymous gift that was very close to the amount we will be lacking.

Joy Comes In The...Afternoon!

This afternoon the mailman delivered joy to my door...in the form of a package from Aunt Kathy.  I was thrilled to discover she had painted something especially for me.  She and I have both been encouraged by this quote that I mentioned in a previous blog.  My aunt is a wonderful artist who has brought precious memories of my grandparents to life on canvas.  I was so touched that she not only sent it to me, but that she had created it herself. 

"Scatter joy!"  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Time After Time

My definition of love has changed over time.  I remember the first time Jason told me he loved me.  We were in the middle of a marathon overnight phone call, acting like teenagers even though we were well past those years.  The days that followed were filled with excitement and carefree joy.  When he brought a gumball machine ring to my apartment and knelt in front of me, I understood the meaning of a deep lasting love.  As he held up our baby boy for the first time so I could count his fingers and toes, my heart was filled with a hope for our future.  Whenever we faced struggles in our lives, Jason's love was protective and unfailing.  While he lay in a hospital bed hooked up to tubes and machines, I was overcome with a desperate love at the thought of spending the rest of my days without him.  Today when I looked over at his face, I realized he is the culmination of every love I have experienced.  When the fireworks and drama fade away, there is a quiet contentment that moves in and fills the space.

"But love, I've come to understand, is more than three words mumbled before bedtime.  Love is sustained by action,  a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day." 
 -Nicholas Sparks

Before

Last night I dreamed about Jason...from before. Before those few precious minutes without oxygen. Before the coma and the ICU. Before ventilators and feeding tubes. Before our lives were forever altered. Although these dreams are fairly frequent, I had a difficult time shaking them off today. They seemed determined to follow behind me like a stubborn shadow. Whenever I allow myself to stop and dwell on what Jason has lost, it's nearly more than I can bear. When my thoughts linger too long on what we've lost as a couple and as a family, my heart breaks. In these darkest moments, I remember that God is still working. I need only to look back and see how far Jason has come in the past four years. I find peace in knowing that He walks with me in these days...after.