Overcome

Once again, I find myself in awe of God's blessings and the intricate ways He continues to provide for our family.  I wish I could tell you that I sail through each day without a care in the world.  I wish I could say that I place every new obstacle at God's feet, and never look back.  I'm ashamed to say that you could often find me wide awake at 3am, unable to control the churnings within.
I often imagine God simply shaking His head each time I succumb to worry.  He must want to shake me, and remind me of the countless times He has delivered us from every peril we've faced.  He surely wonders what it will take to teach me that blind reliance on Him.
God's timing is impeccable.  When our circumstances change, or we are experiencing a particularly rough situation, the blessings are quick to follow.  I pray that I can adequately express my gratitude to those who help our family.  I pray they know how much their kindness and generosity impact our daily life.  I pray that I may obtain that peace and joy of relying on God to provide as He has promised.  I pray that I might live each day in a way that will bring glory to a God who demonstrates such compassion towards me.

"I waited patiently for the Lord;  He turned to me and heard my cry.  He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire;  He set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand.  He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God.  Many, Lord my God, are the wonders You have done, the things You planned for us.  None can compare with You;  were I to speak and tell of Your deeds, they would be too many to declare." (Psalm 40:1-3,5)

Whither Thou Goest

Yesterday when I was away from home, I tried calling Eli to check in.  He was engrossed in a computer game, so didn't hear the phone.  I was distracted, so failed to hang up in time before my call went to voicemail.  Suddenly, Jason's voice filled my ear.  Each time this happens, I am unable to stop the tears that follow.  Eli uses Jason's cell phone now, but I haven't wanted to change the outgoing message.  Over the past three years, I've grown accustomed to many changes.  I often forget how different Jason's voice sounds since his brain injury.  It's been several months since Eli's quietly mentioned how much he misses Dad's old laugh.

When Jason first started showing an interest in me so many years ago, I felt we were too different.  He was extremely outgoing and confident, while I was somewhat quiet and shy.  He enjoyed going out with his friends, but I was content to stay in with a book.  I also felt our five year age difference was an issue.  Luckily for me, Jason was patient and persistent.  As I spent more time with him, I quickly realized we had much in common.  Each time we learned a new similarity, we would say, "We're the same!"  Throughout our marriage, we've repeated this mantra many times.  I'm so grateful that even though so much is altered, I still see glimpses every day of the man I married.

 "Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following after thee: for whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God.  Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried: the Lord do so to me, and more also, if ought but death part thee and me." (Ruth 1:16-17)

Valleys

My sister shared this song with me today.  She knows me very well...the subject line of her message was "You will love this!"  Sometimes I feel as though I've not only been walking through valleys, but actually inhabiting them.  I try to remain positive and gain strength from each small improvement I see in Jason, or from the contentment I witness in Eli.  I find my footing and start the steep climb out, but often a new obstacle knocks me right back down.  Even though God has promised to walk with me...even though I've clearly seen evidence of this, I still let myself become overwhelmed by the burdens of this life.  Sometimes my expectations battle against the realities of our situation.  Often I feel weary from the daily responsibilities I face.  However, I still believe in God's purpose and plan for me.  Over and over again He has lifted me from the depths, gently brushed the dirt off, and nudged me back onto the path.

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord you God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior. (Isaiah 43:1b-3a)"

"Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting." (Psalm 139: 7, 9-10, 23-24)

Gumdrops

It was just a simple little plastic tree. Each Christmas when we arrived at Grandma's house, I found it on the table waiting empty just for me. I quickly located the bag of green and red gumdrops, and went to work filling the branches. I don't remember why Grandma first gave me this particular task. Surely I wasn't the most efficient child she could have chosen. I spent more time sneaking gumdrops into my mouth than poking them onto the limbs. In fact, if you look closely at the first photo below, you may notice a slight bulge inside my cheek. This was just one of the ways that Grandma found to make me feel special and important.
My sister and I went to visit her last year on this date for her birthday. She'd been enduring pain for several months before this, but still greeted us with the same smile. When she and I had a few quiet minutes alone, she took my hand and said, "Oh, you are a sight for these sore eyes." For just a moment, I felt like that little girl once again, content to simply sit there and hold my grandma's hand.
We lost her in December, and have missed her every single day.

"The Lord watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another." (Genesis 31:49)

Strength does not come from physical capacity. It comes from an indomitable will. ~Mahatma Gandhi

I'm trying very hard to give Jason some of his independence back.  I've grown so accustomed to doing things for him, and even speaking for him.  I've been finding little things for him to do around the house...he loves to put groceries away, but usually passes on unloading the dishwasher.  When we go for monthly bloodwork or eye appointments, I let him check himself in with the receptionist.  A few months ago on a rare warm day, I let him pump gas for the first time in three years.  I held my breath the whole time because his coordination hasn't completely returned, and decided to choose other activities in the future.
When we went to Walmart this evening, I decided to send him back several aisles for the milk we'd forgotten.  I asked him to repeat to himself, "half gallon of 2% milk" as he drove the scooter back to get it.  He assured me that he could remember, and even seemed a little frustrated that I would doubt his ability.  It was extremely difficult to continue shopping rather than immediately search him out.  After enough minutes had passed that he should have returned, I started back to find him.  I'm pretty sure I nearly sideswiped a nice little couple in my haste.  I caught a glimpse of him passing the end of an aisle, but by the time I reached the spot, he had disappeared.  I just hated the thought of him not knowing where I was.  I finally located him happily perusing the liquor aisle, without a care in the world.  When I asked if he'd been looking for me, he said he knew he'd find me eventually.  He then proudly pointed to his cart...which contained a half gallon of 2% milk.

God Whispers

I was very affected recently by a wonderful lesson from our minister, Keith.  He shared a passage about Elijah from I Kings 19:
And the word of the Lord came to him: "What are you doing here, Elijah?"  He replied, "I have been very zealous for the Lord God Almighty. The Israelites have rejected your covenant, torn down your altars, and put your prophets to death with the sword. I am the only one left, and now they are trying to kill me too."
The Lord said, "Go out and stand on the mountain in the presence of the Lord, for the Lord is about to pass by."  Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake.  After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper.  When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.
Keith pointed out that God doesn't always come to us in big sweeping ways...often it's a whisper.  I personally have witnessed God's presence in huge powerful ways in my own life.  I can't count how many times throughout our marriage Jason has pulled through a life-threatening situation against all odds.  I've spent numerous hours holding my breath in a waiting room unsure of the outcome of surgeries.  I can still clearly recall the look of one surgeon as he approached me...it was almost bewildered relief.  He simply had not found the extensive damage he'd been dreading/expecting.
This last episode was by far the most traumatic.  A very arrogant doctor took my sister and me into a hallway outside the ICU.  He didn't cushion the blow, but merely stated that there was nothing else they could do for Jason and that he would not survive.  After he made it through those scariest hours, it looked like he would continue to improve.  A couple nights later, he suffered his brain injury when the ventilator tube popped.  One afternoon after he'd been in a coma for a few days, I overheard a nurse asking her coworker, "How long are they going to let him lay there like that?"  It was clear that those caring for Jason feared he would not wake up, or would wake up dramatically changed.  A couple days later, with tears running down her face, his doctor took my father and me into a small room and asked me to sign a DNR (do not resuscitate).  I wish I could say that I was a strong tower in the face of these continual trials.  I admit that I began to lose hope that God would give me the outcome I so desperately sought.  God answered in very big ways...He was there in the wind, earthquakes and fire with me.
Now that life is calmer, God speaks to me in whispers.  Each new day, I am amazed by the quiet blessings He provides in countless ways.  I often feel unworthy and overwhelmed.  Whenever I'm having an especially difficult day, He whispers through a note from a friend or a phone call from my family.  He whispers whenever Jason remembers details from our first date.  He whispers when Jason and Eli giggle through hours of Tom and Jerry together.  He whispers when our daily needs are met in every way.  He whispers through my hope and joy that have replaced fear and despair.
“Be still, and know that I am God"  (Psalm 46:10)