Hear Me Roar

Each night before he goes to sleep, Jason asks me the same question:  "What do we have to do tomorrow?"  At times he seems puzzled by the disparity of our individual to-do lists.  During the first year after he came home from the hospital, I would occasionally discover him fully dressed, sitting on the couch in the middle of  the night. When I asked what he was doing, he either said getting ready for work or for school.
Sometimes if I'm facing a particularly daunting day, I don't go into great detail.  I've found this will simply cause me to lie awake half the night, wondering if I'll be able to accomplish everything.  I so look forward to the rare nights when I can tell him we have no responsibilities and can spend the next day together.
This time of year never fails to cause a bit of panic.  Old Navy commercials start advertising back-to-school clothing, rulers and notebooks begin appearing inside the entrance of the grocery store, and Eli slowly loses the bounce in his step.  My head begins to whirl with thoughts of school supplies, parent/teacher conferences, and morning races to the school bus.  A little knot of dread begins forming as I dwell on thoughts of 5th grade math homework.
I realize there are many true single parents who often feel overwhelmed by daily obligations.  I believe I am lacking the organized multi-tasker gene.  I live in awe of women who juggle far more than I can even fathom.  I am praying for a smooth transition into the school year.  Hopefully it will be the year this slacker mom really shines.  May Eli start each day well-rested, with a full tummy and a cheerful heart.

Selah

I learned about this book today, and put it on hold at the library.  I've been a fan of Selah for some time now, and remember hearing this story about one of their lead singers.  I've watched several videos about this amazing family.  Angie also has a blog (http://angiesmithonline.com) that I plan to read as I find time.  I believe their unwavering faith in the face of such heartache will reach so many people.

"I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hoards in secret places, that you may know that it is I, the Lord, the God of Israel, who call you by your name." (Isaiah 45:3)

Every Part of Me

I can clearly remember one early morning when Jason's neurologist strolled into the ICU.  My mom and I had been anxiously awaiting his arrival.  Although he came every morning to try and rouse Jason from his coma, this morning was different.  He came bearing life-changing CAT scan results of Jason's brain.  An earlier EEG test done following his brain injury had shown slow activity.  Those results had been devastating.  After several more days without a response from Jason, they performed a CAT scan to determine the extent of the injury.
I was unable to read the neurologist's mood when he entered the room.  He immediately went to the window to check the weather.  He casually said, "Well, that's not good"...and my heart sank.  I soon realized he was commenting on what he'd seen outside.  After I started breathing again, he smiled and said he had something to show me.  He walked me to a computer at the nurses' station to show me the pictures of Jason's brain.  He explained to me that they showed no large areas of permanent damage.  He seemed extremely surprised and relieved.  I felt as though I'd been given an enormous gift.
Even though I couldn't read the test results, I now see which parts of Jason's brain were not altered.  He is still kind, gentle and considerate.  In the winter, whenever a snowstorm is predicted, he still calls his mom to make sure she has everything she needs.
I am thankful every day that Jason's sense of humor remains intact.  Whenever I run into people who knew him in the past, they never fail to mention his humor.  He has an amazingly quick and genius wit.  Each night when I remind him to put on his CPAP mask, I say it in silly ways so I don't seem like such a nag.  Last night, I said, "Goodnight, PAPPY!"  He smirked and replied, "Goodnight, Mammy"--then proceeded to roll over and pretend to sleep.
Even though Jason's memory was greatly impacted, he still has millions of facts stored away.  I have always been in awe of the extent of his knowledge.  This has not changed.  He consistently blows my mind whenever his remote lingers on game shows.  I believe he knows the name of every person who's ever been a professional wrestler.  Even though he never met my dad's mother, he never forgets her name:  Ida Lodema Beanblossom Busch!
Even though so much has changed, I do remember to count my blessings.  Whenever I falter, and begin to focus on what was lost, I name those blessings one by one.  Oh, see what God has done.

Serenity Now

I crave calmness.  I crave quiet days without chaos.  I crave long books and soothing music.  I've come to realize these longings are the direct result of too many tumultuous days.  I did not emerge from the past several years unscathed.  I am damaged, and often wonder if I will ever truly recover.
Of course, life is unavoidably loud and messy.  No one can escape drama entirely.  In order to remain fully engaged in the world around me, I often must find ways to overcome my discomfort.   I have also learned my limitations and shortcomings.  I pray that time will provide me with more adept coping skills.  However, for now I shall continue to wear my headphones while shopping at Walmart, and simply pretend I'm strolling through a meadow instead.