New Every Morning

Jason was pushing the cart yesterday in the grocery store when we paused to grab a bottle of mustard. Another customer stopped to greet Jason, and asked how he'd been doing. Neither of us recognized the woman, but Jason was pleasant as always. Her next question caught me off guard when she asked him, "How is your mom doing?" Jason smiled and replied that she's doing well. 

It has been difficult navigating Jason through the recent loss of his mom. It was the single most heartbreaking experience I've watched him go through. I tried to find the right balance between protecting him and including him in the days that followed. When we woke on the morning of her service, he asked the same question he does each day, "What do we have to do today?" He had already forgotten the grief of the previous night, about the hours spent at the funeral home for visitation. 

Because of his memory loss, each day is new for Jason. I can't bring myself to remind him continually that his mom is gone. In his mind, all is still well in his world. He hasn't tried to call her, or suggested we visit since he doesn't remember how much time has passed since their last contact. 

After Jason's brain injury, it was clear that his earliest memories were mostly intact. He still remembers the boundless love he received from his mom. Jason remembers her telling everyone that he was her baby, even after he was a grown man. These are the memories that stayed.

Of course, there is also a boy living here who does remember this profound loss. This boy remembers everything. He remembers a grandma who covered his entire face with kisses whenever she saw him. He remembers their special New Year's Eve parties together at her house, when they drank sparkling juice from fancy glasses. He knows that her face lit up each and every time she saw him and exclaimed, "Eli!"  I have assured him that he can talk about his grandma any time he wishes, since I am missing her, too.

I often question myself about what is best for Jason. I have no way of knowing if he would eventually remember if I were to tell him often. It is difficult feeling as though I'm keeping things from him, no matter the intent.
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22)